Condemned 2: Review

We've all experienced that one game that just doesn't click with us. Your friends like, the internet likes it, you even saw Jesus in line at Gamestop picking up his pre-order, but you starred blankly at the cover, confused. You even decided to give it a shot--nothing. You're dead to it and you don't know why. Nothing you read about the game makes any sense, and you come to the only conclusion that makes sense: you missed something.

Well, I guess I missed something because Condemned 2 fucking sucked. To put it bluntly. Maybe that's a little extreme; I actually did like aspects of it, but overall it did nothing for me. Why? The controls. Some of the worst mapping since people thought the Earth was flat can be found here. Everything, everything you do is slow while the rest of the world moves at a pace 2x faster than you. You're a brawler in this game, with the left and right punches mapped nicely to the triggers and the left and right hooks mapped nicely to the left thumb stick, which must be pressed in conjunction with one of the triggers, in the middle of battle, when there's a half second delay or more between you pulling the trigger and your character actually throwing a punch. Think Resident Evil on PS but in first person.

There's a difference between learning how the controls work and learning how to deal with the controls. You probably noticed I didn't talk about the interesting story or the good graphics, that's because I don't care.

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Zelda: The Movie?

This is just damn cruel. IGN.com posted an article and video for the the NEW FUCKING ZELDA MOVIE!

Disappointingly, this is not real. Not that anyone ever believed it to be, but I still feel I have to say that because someone, somewhere can't wait to see this. Still, the ideas they're playing with in the trailer are pretty cool. Not surprisingly, Ocarina of Time was used as the basis for the movie, but with a few tweaks. For instance, Zelda locks Link away in the Temple of Time just as war comes to Castle Hyrule-- which I thought was pretty cool. It almost seemed like he was stuck in there for 7 real-time years instead of the magic sleep he was in during the game.

Ugh, too bad this isn't real. Well, I'm glad this isn't real because this movie doesn't look that great as far as movies go, but the idea is a wonderful one that, if done right, would be epic as shit.

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Guitar Hero: Aerosmith: Update!

The current issue of Game Informer has a write up on the next Guitar Hero game, starring Aerosmith. If you like things for free, however, then feel free to swing by 1up for an equally in-depth report on what this game is all about.

The last time I wrote about Guitar Hero 4.1: Aerosmith (not official title) I was very skeptical on how a game filled entirely with Aerosmith music would be good. Apparently, Activision was also skeptical because only 60 percent of the tunes will be by Aerosmith. The other 40 will be opening act songs by bands Aerosmith played with back in the day.

A lot of people (myself included) may not think Aerosmith is a good choice for this, but, shit, you gotta start somewhere, right? If this works... soo many awesome bands could get this same treatment after the masters of selling out-- I mean, the masters of ROCK-- prove it's a formula that works.

Oh, here is a a sample list of some of the other songs in the game (no idea if they're covers or not):

• "Dream Police" -- Cheap Trick
• "All the Young Dudes" -- Mott the Hoople
• "I Hate Myself for Loving You" -- Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
• "All Day and All of the Night" -- The Kinks

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New Theaters, Higher Prices, Pissed Off Public

Higher ticket prices, 3D experiences, "a concierge service", valet parking, and high-priced food equals better movie going experience? According to Village Roadshow Gold Class Cinemas out of Australia, yes. Variety recently posted an article about these new Super cinemas where Graham Burke, managing director and CEO of Village Roadshow Ltd. had this to say.

"It's a new way to go to the movies,"It's like what Mercedes is to a Toyota or like flying first class in an airplane."

Really? Or is it more like watching a fucking movie, sitting in a nice chair, eating expensive food and still having to deal with loud teenagers, crying babies, and idiots who are so self-involved they really think the actors can hear them?
People don't go to the movies anymore for two reasons: 1.) theaters suck. No one cares about food or valet parking or 3D; people care about being able to watch a movie in peace. There are only a handful of places that actually still use ushers. Teens and assholes know they can go to a theater and be as loud and obnoxious as they want because no one will do anything about it.
2.) Let's put some of that money into actually making good films. People don't go to the movies anymore because there's nothing to see. Movies, for the most part, suck nowadays.

They did this same crap back in '50s. The movies blew and everyone knew it so they tried to make the theaters awesome. Plush seats and 3D glasses was Hollywood's way of hiding the fact that they couldn't pull good movies out of their ass even if they tried. They were shaking keys in front of Americans and watched as they clapped their hands with glee, drooled, and made a poopie.
This is what we have to look forward to:


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Go Joe!

AICN posted some more information about the new "G.I. Joe" movie that will be helmed by Stephen Sommers of "Deep Impact" and the "Mummy" fame. Apparently, Access Hollywood has the inside scoop on G.I. Joe:

The film is reportedly an origins story. It could explain why Destro has a chromed and why Snake-Eyes doesn't speak, among other outlandish details of "G.I. Joe" that the cartoon never explained.

Nice subtle insult there, Access Hollywood.


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G.I. JOE

I pulled this photo from AICN. There's a write-up over there with more pictures and Ray Park's Snake-Eyes. Who is Ray Park you ask? Any nerd will scream at you that he's Darth Maul! The sexy Sith who could beat Darth Vader! (bullshit). Oh, and he was Toad in X-Men (a movie that apparently bridged the gap between comic nerds and you gentiles. I could go on forever about how much I hated X-Men, and I might one day, but we're here to talk about G.I. Joe, damnit!)

So yeah, Snake-Eyes looks cool. I guarantee that if this movie does well there will be a Snake-Eyes spin-off movie. Or a Stormshadow spin-off movie?! Or a Snakes-Eyes vs. Stormshadow the movie!!!???

--Go Joe--

Kings of Power 4 Billion %

Remember Pirate Baby's Cabana Battle Street Fight 2006? Maybe you do and maybe you don't...
If you were one of the lucky ones to witness Paul Robertson's SNK-style masterpiece, then you'll understand why my underwear is stained.

P.S. Best watched with eyes and mouth wide open.

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